Introduced the third psychological giant alongside Freud and Jung - Adler

We can't just focus on the past reasons, but should grasp the present that we can control. Adlerian Psychology: What should be pursued is not the "cause" of the past, but the "purpose" of the present.

Whatever we experience has no meaning in itself. Let’s not let the impact of our experiences (Psychological trauma) is painful, but something that can achieve the purpose must be derived from the experience. In other words, experience It is not important in itself, what is important is how we view the experience.

Our anger is actually generated to achieve a certain purpose. Although it may be unconscious.

Adler's teleology is an idea that subverts the laws of cause and effect. He advocated that people do not act based on past causes, but act towards the goals they have decided for themselves.

Contrast Socrates' method of communicating ideas, which is to let others understand and know themselves through dialogue. rather than directly telling others what the answer is.

What matters is not what you experienced, but how you used it. The reason why we want to become a certain kind of person is because we only care about "experience". In fact, what we should really care about is "how to use"

We cannot decide our origins, but when we understand, we can decide our thoughts.

Our lifestyle can be changed. We cannot decide our origins, our appearance, etc., but we cannot change the past. What we will do in the future is our responsibility. Whether we should continue to stick to the original lifestyle or choose a new one, it all depends on our thoughts. Adlerian psychology is the psychology of courage. The reason why you are unlucky is not caused by the past or the environment, nor is it a lack of ability, it is just a lack of "courage". In other words, there is a lack of “the courage to become happy.”

No matter what happened in your previous life, it has no impact at all on how you will live your life in the future. What determines your life is yourself living in the "now".

Because we are too afraid of being disliked by others and getting hurt in relationships, we don't like ourselves and hate ourselves.

You feel lonely not because you are alone. When you feel that the society, groups and others that originally surrounded you have excluded you, that is true loneliness. Even if we want to feel alone, we need the presence of other people.

The various inferiority complexes that make us suffer do not exist objectively; they are our subjective feelings. In other words, although we cannot change the objective world, we can change our subjective interpretation at will.

An inferiority complex is different from an inferiority complex. In order to eliminate your own sense of inferiority, work harder and move forward, not be satisfied with the status quo, and take a step forward even if it is just one step, so that you can become happy, etc. There is nothing wrong with having such an inferiority complex. Inferiority complex refers to the state of starting to use the inferiority complex as an excuse. For example, in daily life, loudly proclaiming the argument "Because A, we cannot achieve B" is no longer an inferiority complex, but an inferiority complex.

Such as showing off one's achievements, clinging to the halo of the past, always talking about one's bravery... these are all superiority complexes. Adler pointed out: If someone brags about himself, it is just because he feels inferior.

The feeling of inferiority is not caused by comparing with others, but by comparing with the "ideal self". As a human being, we are all equal, and we walk in a flat space with no vertical or horizontal dimensions. It's not about competing with anyone, the value of life is to be one step ahead than where you are now.

Once you realize competition or winning or losing, you will definitely have a feeling of inferiority. Because we only compare ourselves with others, and only think about winning this one, losing this one, etc., the inferiority complex or the superiority complex are all on this extension line. Without realizing it, we see people other than ourselves as our enemies.

We need to think carefully about what is the real "purpose" hidden in human psychology. Also try not to let the relationship develop into a revenge stage.

Once we are convinced that "I am right" in a relationship, we have already stepped into a power struggle. Our pursuit of excellence is not achieved through competition with others.

Action goals: 1. Independence, 2. Able to live harmoniously with society Inner goals: 1. I am capable, 2. Everyone is my partner

Life tasks: 1. Work task; 2. Friendship task; 3. Love task

Only when people feel that "as long as they are with this person, they can express themselves freely and freely" can they truly feel love. There is no need to feel inferior, and there is no need to boast about one's superiority. You can be in a stable and extremely natural state. This is true love.

It is not others but ourselves who determine our attitude towards life.

From a teleological perspective, our own life and our own lifestyle are our own choices. And we have the power.

It can be said that most of the troubles in interpersonal relationships are centered on the "need for recognition." We live in an environment where we constantly need the recognition of others. In Adlerian psychology, seeking approval from others is negated.

We don’t live to meet other people’s expectations. "If you don't live for your own life, who will live for yours?" Because you want to be recognized too much, you end up following other people's expectations of "hope you are like this", abandoning your true self and living someone else's life. Life. When they want to gain the approval of others, most people use "meeting other people's expectations" as a means. But once we change the purpose of our work to "meet the expectations of others," this job should be very hard to do. Because you often have to care about other people's eyes, are afraid of other people's comments, and deliberately suppress your "self" nature.

To put it simply, we can provide help to others, but we cannot give advice to others. As a proverb goes, "We can lead a horse to water, but we cannot force him to drink." You know, only you can change yourself.

For example, the so-called "belief" is actually an act of subject separation. Believing others is your task, but how others react to your expectations or trust is other people's task. If I don't draw a clear line between myself and others, and insist on imposing my own expectations on others, it will immediately become a harassing "intervention".

The "bonds" in interpersonal relationships are like intricate knots that need to be cut using a new approach - subject separation.

Living your life by meeting other people's expectations should be easy. Because you entrust your life to others, it's like walking on the track paved by your parents. There may be various dissatisfactions, big and small, but as long as you stay on track, you won’t get lost. If you decide the path you want to take, you may be confused and overwhelmed, and you must directly face the wall of "how you should live." Caring about other people's eyes, living by looking at other people's faces, and living to fulfill other people's expectations may really serve as road signs, but they are indeed a very unfree lifestyle.

True freedom is not afraid of the possibility of being disliked, moving forward, not living a life that is like rolling down a slope, climbing the uphill road in front of you. Achieve "separation of topics". Thinking that "others should like me" or "I have given so much, it would be weird if they didn't like me", etc., are actually the thoughts of intervening in the other party's issues and seeking rewards.

As long as there is the "determination" to repair the relationship, no matter what other people's lifestyles are. It doesn’t matter what you think about me, how you react to my actions, etc. It doesn't matter if he has no intention of repairing the relationship with me. The key question is whether I want to make up my mind. This trump card in interpersonal relationships is always held by "I". When I change, I become just "me". I don't know what will happen to the other party because of this, and I can't intervene. This is also a separation of topics. You must understand that trying to control the other person by changing your words and deeds is obviously a wrong idea.

To establish good interpersonal relationships, a certain distance must be maintained. If you are too close, you cannot communicate, but it is not possible if you are too far away. What you need to know is that separation of subjects is not to keep people away from each other, but to open up the intricate knots in interpersonal relationships. This is just the beginning in relationships.

If others are our partners, we can find our "belonging" by living surrounded by our partners, and we can also contribute to our partners, that is, the community. Treating others as partners like this and feeling that "one belongs" becomes "social consciousness". The community is not just family, school, company, etc., but also includes everything from the country to the entire human race.

When you encounter troubles, you must first think about whose problem this is? Then separate the topics. Calmly draw the line between where you go is your own problem and where you start is everyone else's problem. Next, don't get involved in other people's issues, and don't let anyone get involved in yours. This is a concrete and implicit possibility that can change the distress in interpersonal relationships. It is also an epoch-making perspective that only Adlerian psychology has.

In addition to people who are as arrogant and domineering as tyrants and have no regard for others, there are also people who live alone and never take it seriously if they are late or miss an appointment. There is also a type of people who only care about "how others see me", especially the third type, who are actually truly self-centered and only care about "my" lifestyle.

We must face the "task of life" head-on, that is, we should not avoid interpersonal tasks such as love, work and making friends, but take the initiative to move forward. You and I are not the center of the world. We must take the initiative and take that step towards the task of human relations. Don’t think “What will this person give me?” but “What can I give this person?” This is participating in the community.

First of all, the entrance to interpersonal relationships is "subject separation" and the end point is "social awareness." Social awareness is seeing others as partners and feeling like you have a place where you belong. We must also realize that we are in multiple communities at the same time. We do not have to stick to the small community in front of us. There must be other larger communities such as "me and you" and other "everyone".

How does separation from subject lead to social consciousness? A concept of “horizontal relationship” is proposed here. If you treat everyone as "different, but equal" and build a horizontal relationship, there will be no place for an inferiority complex. Whether it's praise or criticism, the purpose is to manipulate others.

Adlerian psychology believes that the problem is not the presence or absence of ability, but simply "lack of courage to face the problem." First, separate the subjects, then accept each other's differences and establish an equal horizontal relationship. “Encouragement” is the next step.

People will only have courage when they feel they are valuable. Adler believes: When a person feels that I am beneficial to the community, he can feel his own value. It's not about getting "good" evaluations from others, but your own subjective perception that "I have contributed to others." This is how we can actually feel our worth.

Look at the subject, do not compare with others, feel happy and grateful for his existence; do not start deducting points from the ideal situation, but start from zero and start adding points.

If you can establish a horizontal relationship with at least one person, and it is a truly equal relationship, it will be a big change in your life style. At the same time, with this as a starting point, all relationships become horizontal. It’s not about making friends with everyone and treating everyone like a good friend. The important thing is to be equal in consciousness, to persist where necessary, and to be frank and not to shrink back.

Self-awareness before "showing courage" and excessive self-concern will often constrain us and prevent us from showing courage.

The so-called self-affirmation is to say "I can" and "I am strong" to yourself even though you clearly can't do it. This kind of thinking is also connected to the superiority complex, which is a way of life to deceive oneself. On the other hand, "self-acceptance" means calmly accepting the "unable self" when one is powerless, and doing one's best to move towards the goal without deceiving oneself. We cannot change what we have experienced, but how to use it can be decided by our own strength. That being the case, don’t focus on the things you can’t change, just focus on the things you can change. Self-acceptance is what it is all about.

Credit is secured, but trust is unconditional. It's not you who decides whether to betray or not, that's someone else's issue. You just need to think about how to do it yourself. The so-called "unconditional trust" is nothing more than a "means" to improve interpersonal relationships and establish horizontal relationships.

Only when our existence or actions are helpful to the community, that is, when we think "I am useful to someone", can we truly feel our own value.

Self-reliance and I am capable are about accepting myself; the second item, being able to live harmoniously with society and everyone being my partner, is about trusting and contributing to others. We are still young, and the sooner we start, the sooner we can make changes. After you change, you will be able to move ahead of other adults in this world.

Whether to accept oneself at the "level of behavior" or the "level of existence" is exactly the question closely related to "the courage to become happy".

When you truly make a contribution, you don’t need the approval of others. Because when you actually feel "you are useful to someone," you don't have to deliberately seek approval from others. People who are obsessed with the need for recognition show that they have no social awareness and have not yet accepted themselves, trusted others, and contributed to others.

To be particularly good or to be particularly bad, their purpose is the same. In order to get the attention of others, break away from the "ordinary" state and become a "special existence."

Adler: Have the courage to be ordinary. "Ordinary" does not mean "incompetent" or incapable, but that we do not need to deliberately boast of our superiority.

Adler believed that life is a series of points, a series of moments that become the "now". We can only live in the present, our life only exists in a moment.

Life is not about reaching the top. We need to change our thinking and live a realization-oriented life. This means that the action we are currently taking is also the result after the action is completed. It's a bit like what Shi Tiesheng said: We have to make the process wonderful, but the results are beyond our control. The process is exciting and fulfilling, and we have no regrets. That is success in life. Because we are controlling each moment, and the painting we draw cannot be changed by anything.

We should be more serious and live only in the "now". If you feel as if you can see the past and predict the future, it proves that you are not living in the "now" seriously, but in a weak and hazy light.

The biggest lie in life is not living in the "now". Indulging in the past, constantly looking towards the future, letting all of your life be reflected in the faint light, thinking that you have seen something. So far, you have been ignoring the "now" and only groping for the past and future that do not exist at all. In every irreplaceable moment of his life, he fabricated the biggest lie.

When we encounter difficulties, we should look forward and think: "What can we do in the future?" Dance your own dance seriously at this moment and live seriously. Don’t look at the past or the future. Live each final moment like a dance. You don’t have to compete with anyone, and you don’t need a destination. As long as you keep jumping, you'll get somewhere. Someone has to start doing it. Even if others don't cooperate, it has nothing to do with you. It should start with you, regardless of whether other people are helping.