Troubled by expectations and evaluations from society and others

Ideal relationship: I love you, but it has nothing to do with you

Everyone abides by their own duties and lives their own life, and there won’t be so many worries between people.

On the contrary, grasping the present moment is the only thing we truly experience and have

Another Philosophy: A new psychology founded by the (Austrian) psychiatrist Alfred Adler in the early 20th century

The Big Three: Alfred, Freud, Jung

People can change, and it has nothing to do with the various reasons in the past. What teleology expresses is the present. Some emotions are made up to serve a purpose.

Adlerian psychology denies the existence of psychological trauma, and any experience itself is not the cause of success or failure. We are not pained by the stimulation of our experiences, but by the meaning we give to our experiences, which determines our lives. Everyone lives for a certain purpose.

It’s all about creating anger “for the sake of being angry.” Through the waiter pouring coffee on the customer, I want to make the waiter obedient through anger. a means

You think it is too troublesome to reason, but it is a faster way to make the other party who is not resisting surrender and make the other party listen to you more. Anger here is a means to an end.

Freud represents nihilism and the theory of causes, and if you become a believer in the theory of causes, you will never be able to obtain happiness under the constraints of the past, and will fall into a pessimistic world of despair and disgust with life. We are not guided by our emotions in our actions, so we are not governed by the past. The perception of one thing is the present subjective feeling. No matter what happened in the past, the current state depends on the meaning you give to existing events.

The first step to change is understanding. The answer should not be obtained from others, but should be found out by oneself

In the book, a young man wants to be like Y. The philosopher asks him what his purpose is. He says that becoming a person like him will make him happy. In fact, the reason why you can't experience happiness is because you don't love yourself. You want to gain happiness by becoming someone else. What we have to do is not to be someone else, but to accept ourselves and keep moving forward. Y has been given a sunny personality and can speak boldly among everyone. The important thing is not what is given, but your attention should be on "how to use what is given."

It is normal to be obsessed with what you are given, but if you are obsessed with this, your life will not change. What we need is renewal. The reason why you are unlucky now is because of your own choices. In ancient Greek, good only means "good", and "evil" also means "no good". The world is filled with all kinds of evil behaviors such as illegal crimes. However, there is no such thing as "evil = nothing good" in a pure sense, so your misfortune is a kind of good to yourself.

We often make up our minds not to change because the current status quo is predictable within our cognitive safety range. Making up our minds to change requires a lot of courage, and is accompanied by uncertainty, uneasiness, and difficulty in predicting. Even so people find it easier and more reassuring to keep the status quo. Therefore, habits have been formed over a long period of time and a character has been formed. Character can be expressed by "lifestyle", including outlook on life and world view. Personality is difficult to change. We might as well change my pessimistic personality into a pessimistic "world view". If it is a world view, it is possible to change it.

The past cannot be changed, and what happened in the past and all the misfortunes in the past are not excuses for why the present cannot be changed. It has no impact on how to spend your life in the future. How to change your lifestyle must first abandon your current lifestyle. We often make excuses for not making changes, such as "If I become a person like Y; I can do it if I do it; I don't want to be judged by others, let alone face the reality of being eliminated because of poor work. Even if I lose the election There will be a lot of growth, and there will be no development if you don’t do it.

The young people in the book have a lot in common with me: they have no confidence in themselves and have a pessimistic attitude. Pay too much attention to other people's opinions and always live in doubt of others. I am very afraid of being rejected by others and afraid of being hurt mentally. Precisely because you are afraid of this and that, you can use these shortcomings to make excuses for yourself when you are rejected. This is a kind of "goodness" for you. However, it is simply impossible to get hurt in relationships.

A basic concept of Adlerian psychology is that people's troubles come from interpersonal relationships. He is minimizing the problems people have.

Loneliness arises from the presence of others. The reason why you feel lonely is not because you are alone. You feel lonely when you feel alienated from others, society and the community around you. Indeed, I often felt lonely and abandoned in school. Philosophers say that this is because you are too afraid of interpersonal relationships, so you start to hate yourself. You avoid interpersonal relationships through self-disgust.

Inferior self-esteem is a feeling of less self-worth, a subjective construct created by comparing yourself to others. How good or bad it is depends on how you view it and what value you place on it

Inferiority itself is not a bad thing. It drives people to get rid of their current powerless state and pursue a general desire for progress. But some people are unable to recognize the fact that "the situation can be changed through practical efforts." Without the courage to move forward, negativity will lead to an inferiority complex.

The inferiority complex originally represented a complex and abnormal psychology, but now it refers to the current situation of using one's own inferiority complex as an excuse. For example: I can’t get married because of my low education; I can’t do B because I have A. But there is no causal relationship. The causal relationship we think of can be explained by the "law of external causation."

The "law of external causation" explains things that originally have no causal relationship as if they have a significant causal relationship.

Suffering from a strong sense of inferiority, but unable to accept the "incompetent self", they will use simpler methods to compensate.

A pattern of achieving an abnormal sense of superiority by intensifying the sense of inferiority.

There is no distinction between good and bad people. Although they are different, they are all equal. The value lies in constantly surpassing oneself, not competing with anyone, as long as one keeps moving forward.

A healthy sense of inferiority comes not from comparison with others but from comparison with the "ideal self." Retreat from victory and defeat. When a person wants to be himself, competition will inevitably become an obstacle. In most cases, competitors cannot become partners.

The only one who cares about your appearance is yourself. Always pay attention to yourself and have excessive self-awareness. Where there is comparison, there will be competition. Where there is competition, there will naturally be victory and defeat. Naturally, there will be eternal comparison, and naturally you will feel inferior, which will only add trouble to yourself. Therefore, if there is competition in interpersonal relationships, you cannot get rid of the troubles caused by interpersonal relationships, and it is impossible to get rid of misfortune. Looking around, I unknowingly see everyone and even the entire world as my enemy. Even if I don't fail, I am always in danger and unable to obtain happiness. On the contrary, if you do not put your friends around you in a "competitive" relationship, you will become a more active partner and you will have a completely different view of the world.

When the relationship between two people is very tense, you should consider the "hidden purpose" of that person. The other person is provoking a "power struggle" to prove their strength by winning. If you get angry at this time, you are playing into their hands. The relationship will sharply turn into a power struggle and revenge stage, and it will be difficult to reconcile interpersonal relationships, so when provoked, you must not be fooled.

What should you do if you receive a personality attack?

life lessons

The core is interpersonal relationships

Change yourself, not others

Only when people can feel that "you can be unrestrained with this person" can you experience love.

Avoiding life because we see others as enemies instead of partners (because you see intolerable flaws in the people you hate)

Adler called this attempt to create excuses to avoid life's issues "life lies."

The psychology of use is: how to use what is given. It's you who makes the decision.

Adlerian psychology denies seeking approval from others

Affected by reward and punishment education, people will expect more of themselves to be recognized by others. I did this because I wanted to be praised. If you don't get praise, you will get angry. But we don’t have to meet other people’s expectations. If you don’t live for yourself, who else will live for yourself?

If you blindly seek the approval of others and care about other people's evaluations, you will live in other people's lives. As long as you don't live to meet other people's expectations, then others "don't live to meet your expectations." You won't get angry when other people's ideals don't meet your own expectations, and it's natural.

What is written in the book is that if you are a parent, most parents will criticize and educate their children if they do not want to learn. It should be clear here that whether children learn or not is a "child's issue", not a parent's issue. Therefore, we need to distinguish “whose issue” this is.

Basically, all interpersonal conflicts arise from interference in other people's issues or interference in one's own issues.

Don’t just think about “Who will ultimately bear the consequences of a certain choice?”

Also, if something is imposed on him that he does not want, it will have a stronger reaction.

Trust also needs to be separated. If you choose to trust others, others will logically trust you accordingly, but how the other party treats your trust is the other party's business. If you think that the other person must trust you, imposing this hope on others will make your life heavy, so please put aside other people's issues.

The book says that the reason why people care so much about other people’s evaluations and looks is why they constantly seek recognition to prove themselves. So why? It means that you have not separated the issues. Others say it is someone else’s issue and you have no control over it. So draw a clear line.

The philosopher used Alexander the Great's dagger to remove the chariot tied to the pillars of the temple instead of trying to untie it. This is like the "fetters" in interpersonal relationships that can no longer be untied by ordinary methods and must be severed by new means.

subtopic

Not wanting to be disliked is a very natural desire and impulse for people. Kant called this desire "disposition." That is: instinctive desire, impulsive desire, is like a stone sliding down a slope, constantly wearing itself out and losing its shape, and true freedom is the attitude of pushing yourself up from below.

Being free means being hated by others. Don’t you think that the lifestyle of trying to please others is a very unfree lifestyle? However, freedom is not about being liberated from the organization, but not caring about other people's evaluations, not being afraid of being disliked, and not pursuing the approval of others. (referring to subject separation)

The courage to be happy also includes "the courage to be hated." Once you have this courage, your relationships will suddenly become easier.

When encountering interpersonal problems, philosophers tell us that we can think about it from the perspective of "interpersonal cards". Starting from the result, such as "I brought out the memory of being beaten because I didn't want to reconcile with my father." The decision-making power of this card must be in your own hands and cannot be bound by the desire for recognition. When you change yourself, don't expect others to change too.

Individual: "individual psychology" has an inseparable meaning, mind and body, reason and emotion.

The sense of community is the state of seeing people as partners and being able to feel that "one has a place." It is an important indicator of interpersonal relationships and turns one's own persistence into concern for others.

Desperately trying to gain the approval of others, how others evaluate themselves, and paying attention to themselves are all self-centered and hope that they will not have a bad impression on others.

Although everyone is the protagonist of their own life, this does not mean that "I" am at the center of the world. The world must serve me, and others do not live to meet your expectations. Human beings’ basic desire is a sense of belonging, which can only be felt by actively participating in a community.

If you finally encounter some troubles in the community, such as being bullied and not being able to make friends, then you will not be able to have a sense of belonging. This is why you need to pay attention to "there are other more communities." There is a wider world outside of school, don't limit yourself to school.

If a relationship can collapse because of your opposition, then there is no need to enter into such a relationship in the first place, and it doesn't matter if you give up on your own initiative. Living in fear of rupture is an unfree way of living for others.

How can separation issues lead to good relationships? In other words, how can we form harmonious interpersonal relationships? We need lateral thinking, that we are different but equal. The author gives a common example, criticism or praise? The answer cannot be criticized or praised. The essence of praise includes a downward sense of language, including "the evaluation of ability vs. inability, the relationship between superiors and subordinates, and treating children as lower than themselves."

Some people who want to be praised or want to praise others in turn understand all interpersonal relationships as "vertical relationships. Equal communication is the key."

Interference in interpersonal relationships is also a part of vertical relationships. It is precisely because you value yourself lower than the other person, and use interference to guide the other person in the direction you want, and to confirm that you are right and the other person is wrong. Some parents will say, "To study well, you must go to a good university."

The assistance is to help him solve the problem with his own strength on the premise of separating the subjects. It neither praises nor criticizes. This is encouragement.

The reason why people are afraid of facing problems is not because they are incapable, but because they lack the courage to face the problems directly and must find the courage to face frustration. How to get it back? Never use praise for this. People will form the belief that they are incapable because of being praised.

Encouragement is based on a horizontal relationship and above all without judging others. To be praised means to receive comments such as "very good" from others. This is using others as the standard and hindering one's own freedom. Thank you, on the other hand, is less of a comment and more of a pure appreciation.

When people hear words of thanks, they know that they can contribute something to others. People can only gain courage when they can feel that they are valuable (realize that I am useful to the community)

Don’t look at others by behavioral standards but by existential standards.

Regarding the community, someone must start it. Even if others don't cooperate, it doesn't matter to you and you don't have to think about it.

First, establish a horizontal relationship, even if only one side is involved. Then you will grasp all interpersonal relationships according to the relationship you are in, and if you establish equality in the true sense, it will be a major change in your lifestyle. The most important thing is equality in consciousness and sticking to your own opinions.

Stop focusing on "me" and start caring about others. But sometimes people only care about themselves and see themselves

Establish a sense of community: self-acceptance, trust in others, and contributions from others.

To establish a positive outlook, we must distinguish between "changeable" and "unchangeable"

believe

If the other party is trustworthy, I will also give trust. This is just a credit relationship based on mortgage or conditions. Unconditional trust is a means of improving interpersonal relationships and building horizontal relationships. You can cut off the relationship at any time if you don’t want to establish a good relationship. If you don't trust others, you'll end up having no deep relationships with anyone.

Sincerely accepting "this me" that cannot be exchanged is self-acceptance. At the same time, placing unconditional trust in others is trust in others. Moreover, if you treat others as partners, you will be able to find your place in the community to which you belong, and then you will be able to gain a sense of belonging that "you can be here."

One more thing is needed: the contribution of others. It is to influence and contribute to others as partners. But it does not mean self-sacrifice. Instead, it is a means to realize the value of "me".

It may be hypocritical to make contributions while viewing others as enemies, however. If others are partners, all contributions are not hypocritical, and you can find a sense of community. What we should think about is not what others have done for me, but what I can do for others and actively practice it.

If you often use "everyone", "always" and "everything" in your daily life, be careful when using such general words. Adler believed that this kind of lifestyle lacks "harmony in life". It is a way of life that only judges the whole of a thing by its part.

In other words, workaholics are the same. They use work as an excuse to avoid other responsibilities, such as childcare and making friends. In fact, they are also work, but they dare not face the issues directly.

get happiness

When the wish to be particularly good cannot be realized or when it does not go well, it will turn into "the wish to be particularly bad". Purpose: to attract the attention of others and break away from the ordinary state to become a "special existence". This is the "cheap pursuit of superiority"

Many people don’t want to be ordinary and cannot accept their ordinary selves, but is ordinary and ordinary really bad?

Here we need to clarify a point: "ordinary" ≠ "incompetent". There is no need for us to show off our superiority.

Many people compare life to mountain climbing and want to climb to the top of the mountain. However, our life is not a climbing line, but a continuation of points, that is to say, a continuation of points. We can only live in this moment, and a planned life is simply impossible.

Life is a succession of moments that keep spinning and dancing in every moment. The grasp of each moment is to live in the present moment. The life of the destination is the potential life, and the movement that regards the process as the result is realistic life. As people say: the best scenery is on the road; the important thing is the process.

In the theater, the lights are on throughout the venue, and you can see the innermost part of the auditorium. When the spotlight is focused on you, you can't even see the front row. Focusing on “yourself at this moment”, the past and future cannot be seen.

If you can feel that you can see the future and the past, you are not living in the present, but living in a vague and weak light.

Lifestyle refers to "this moment" and is something that can be changed according to one's own will.

The biggest lie in life is not to live in the "here and now", but to cast light on the whole and what you think you see, and to focus on the past and future that do not exist at all.

From a realistic perspective, life is always in a state of completion, and living every moment seriously is a kind of completion.

Set a goal for the distant future and don’t think of the present as a stage of preparation and endurance. The "here and now" of studying hard for exams in the distant future does indeed exist

It’s okay to have no goals. Don’t make life too profound. Live this moment seriously. This is dancing in itself.

What is the meaning of life? Why do people live?

The meaning of life is given by oneself, and a person is very powerful. The world cannot be changed by others but only by "me". No one but me will change for me.

You are confused because you want to choose "freedom", that is, choose not to be afraid of being disliked by others, not to live for others but to live only for yourself. You need "Guiding Stars" - "Other Contributions"

Live every moment well, there is no need to compete, as long as you dance, you will definitely arrive

The current state is exactly what Adler said, and I totally agree with it.