Build a sense of community

trust

The basis of interpersonal relationships should not be "credit" but "trust."

If you are afraid to trust others, you will ultimately be unable to build a deep relationship with anyone.

It’s okay to be sad when you’re sad. Because it is the desire to avoid pain or sadness that keeps you from acting on it, and you are unable to develop a deep relationship with anyone.

To gain a sense of belonging, one must see others as partners, and to see others as partners requires self-acceptance and trust in others.

Contribution by others does not mean giving up "I" and serving others. Instead, it is a means to realize the value of "I".

Labor is not a means of earning money. We use labor to realize the contributions of others, participate in the community, realize that "I am useful to others", and then gain the value of our own existence.

What we should think about is not what others have done for me, but what I can do for others, and actively practice it.

Contributions made while viewing others as “enemies” may be hypocritical.

It is precisely because you have accepted your true self—that is, "self-acceptance"—that you can achieve "trust in others" without fear of betrayal; and precisely because you can give unconditional trust to others and regard others as your partners, Only by making contributions to others can we realize that "I am useful to others" and then accept the true self and achieve "self-acceptance".

People who lack harmony in life will only judge the "world" by focusing on the person who hates them.

Workaholics only focus on certain aspects of life. It’s using work as an excuse to avoid other responsibilities.

Our happiness is also in our relationships

For people, the greatest misfortune is not liking themselves.

Happiness is a sense of contribution

Happiness presupposes freedom

Contribution can also come in invisible forms. As long as there is a subjective feeling of "being useful to others", that is, a "sense of contribution", it is enough

Whether you want to be particularly good or want to be particularly bad, the purpose is the same - to attract the attention of others, to escape from the "ordinary" state, and to become a "special existence." This is their purpose.

In fact, everyone is an ordinary person.

Being ordinary does not mean being incompetent. There is no need for us to show off our superiority.

Please don’t understand life as a line, but as a succession of points.

Life is a succession of moments, a continuation of the moment "now". We can only live in the "now and now", our life only exists in a moment.

Our life is just a series of points. It’s not that a planned life is necessary, it’s that it’s simply impossible.

Life is like a succession of moments spinning and dancing in each moment. Moreover, when Mu Ran looks around, he is often surprised: "Are you here already?"

"Potential life": a life that wants to reach the destination

"Realistic life": life like dancing

The moment you step out of your home, your "travel" has already begun, and every moment on the way to your destination is a journey.

If you focus a strong spotlight on the "here and now," you will lose sight of neither the past nor the future.

If you feel that you can see the past and predict the future, it proves that you are not seriously living in the "now and now", but living in a vague and weak light.

Focusing on the "here and now" means doing what you can do now carefully and carefully.

Life is simple, not something profound. If you live every moment carefully, there is no need to make it too profound.

The biggest lie in life is not living in the “here and now.”

It is neither yesterday nor tomorrow that plays a decisive role, but "this moment".

There is no universal meaning of life

The meaning of life is given by yourself.

"Guiding Star" - the tribute of others

My power is infinite

"Individual Psychology"

The separation of subjects is not to alienate others, but to unravel the intricate threads of interpersonal relationships.

The end point of interpersonal relationships is a sense of community

To understand what Adler meant by a sense of community, we can first start with “me and you.”

It is precisely because you don’t want others to think bad about you that you care about the eyes of others. This is not concern for others, but dedication to oneself.

A sense of belonging cannot be obtained just by being there, it must be obtained by actively participating in the community.

Whether you or I, we are not the center of the world. We must take the initiative to face interpersonal issues with our own feet; instead of thinking about "what will this person give me", we must think about "what can I give" What is this person?" This is participation and integration into the community.

The scope of the community is infinite

principles of action

If it is a relationship that can collapse because of your opposition, then there is no need to enter into this relationship from the beginning, and it doesn't matter if you give it up on your own initiative.

"horizontal relationships"

Neither criticism nor praise is allowed, this is the stance of Adlerian psychology.

Praising this behavior contains the characteristics of "the evaluation of the incompetent by the capable".

Adlerian psychology opposes all "vertical relationships" and advocates treating all interpersonal relationships as "horizontal relationships."

As long as a horizontal relationship of "different but equal" can be established for everyone, there will be no inferiority complex at all.

Behind interfering with others is actually a vertical relationship. (Hoping to lead the other person in the direction you want through intervention. This is the belief that you are right and the other person is wrong.)

encourage

People are afraid of facing problems not because they lack ability, but because they lack courage

People will form the belief that they are incapable because of being praised.

If the goal is to gain praise, you will end up choosing a lifestyle that caters to other people's values.

Evaluative language is language based on vertical relationships

When people hear words of thanks, they know that they can contribute something to others.

How can one acquire "courage"?

Please do not look at others by the standard of "behavior" but by the standard of "existence"; do not judge others by "what they have done", but express joy and gratitude for their existence itself.

There are standards

For yourself, do not think about yourself based on the "behavior" standard, but first accept it from the "existence" standard.

Don’t compare your child with anyone else, see him as himself, be happy and grateful for his existence, don’t deduct points according to the ideal image, but start from scratch. If so, it would be possible to express gratitude for existence itself.

How to do it

This does not mean that you should turn anyone into a friend or treat everyone like a friend. That is not the case. What is important is equality in consciousness and insisting on your own opinions.

"Desire for recognition"

Adlerian psychology denies seeking approval from others

Why on earth do people seek approval from others?

We don’t live to meet other people’s expectations. We don’t have to meet other people’s expectations

If you blindly seek the approval of others and care about other people's evaluations, you will end up living in other people's lives.

Others "don't live to meet your expectations." Don't get angry when other people's behavior is not in line with your own ideas.

You must separate your own issues from other people's issues from the perspective of "Whose issue is this?"

Don’t interfere in other people’s issues

How to identify whose subject it is?

You can take a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink.

The only one who can change yourself is yourself.

Parents are not allowed to interfere, but they can provide some assistance when needed.

Even their own children do not live to meet their parents’ expectations.

"Love" and "trust" also need to be separated. Giving trust and love to others does not require others to respond with equal love and trust.

Please put aside other people's issues. This is the first step to lightening the burdens of life and making it simpler.

All you can do about your life is "choose the path you think is best." On the other hand, how others evaluate your choice is their business and you have no control over it.

Why do people care so much about other people's eyes?

Subject separation is not the end goal of human relationships, but the gateway.

To build good interpersonal relationships, you also need to maintain a certain distance. Even the parent-child relationship. But the distance cannot be too far.

The idea of ​​reward is an idea that is contrary to subject separation. cannot be bound by it

In some cases it is easier not to separate the issues but to interfere in other people's projects.

Living to meet the expectations of others and entrusting your life to others is a way of life that lies to yourself and to those around you.

Separating issues is not self-centered, interfering with other people's issues is self-centered.

Adults who have chosen an unfree lifestyle will criticize young people for their "hedonism" when they look at young people living freely in the present.

No matter how hard we try, there will always be people who hate me and people who hate you, and that’s a fact.

Not wanting to be disliked by others is a very natural desire and impulse for people. ——"tendency" (like a falling stone)

True freedom is an attitude that pushes you up from below.

Being disliked by someone is evidence that you exercise your freedom and live freely, and that you live according to your own principles.

If you want to exercise your freedom, you need to pay a price. And in relationships, the price of freedom is being disliked by others.

Don't be afraid of being disliked.

The courage to be happy also includes "the courage to be hated." Once you have this courage, your relationships will suddenly become easier.

"The Card of Relationships"

It is a very wrong idea to use changing yourself as a means of manipulating others.

Freud, Jung and Adler are known as the Big Three of Psychology

The third giant - Adlerian psychology - "individual psychology"

If you blindly focus on past causes and try to explain things solely by causes, you will fall into "determinism"

Adlerian psychology considers not the "causes" of the past, but the "purpose" of the present. --"Teleological"

If we continue to rely on the theory of causes, we will never get anywhere.

psychological trauma

No experience in itself is the cause of success or failure. We do not suffer because of the stimulation of our own experiences—the so-called psychological trauma. In fact, we discover factors in our experiences that suit our own purposes. It is not our past experiences that define us, but the meaning we give to our experiences.

"Teleology": We all live for a certain "purpose"

It's not "being driven by anger and getting angry", it's completely "creating anger for the sake of getting angry". In other words, angry feelings are created for the purpose of getting angry.

The so-called anger is actually just a "means" that can be released or recovered. It can be neatly folded up when you answer the phone, and can be released again after hanging up the phone.

The Freudian cause theory represented by the theory of trauma is determinism in disguise and is the entrance to nihilism.

We do not act under the control of our emotions. (People are not controlled by emotions)

No matter what happened in the past, your current state depends on the meaning you attach to existing events.

People are not influenced by past reasons, but move towards their own goals.

Both Socrates and Adler wanted to inspire people through dialogue

The first step to change is understanding.

The answer should not be obtained from others, but should be found out for oneself. The answers you get from others are nothing more than symptomatic treatments and have little value.

You cannot experience happiness now because you do not love yourself. And, in order to be able to love yourself, you want to “become someone else”

If you can't feel happy, you can't "always be like this", you can't stand still, you must keep moving forward.

What matters is not what is given, but how to use what is given.

Will the reality change if we just stick to "what we have been given"? We are not replaceable machinery. What we need is not replacement but renewal.

In Greek, the word "good" does not contain a moral connotation, but only means "good".

You chose "unfortunateness" at a certain stage in your life. This is neither because you were born in an unfortunate environment nor because you fell into an unfortunate situation, but because you think "unfortunate" is a "good" for yourself.

Lifestyle - the tendency to think or behave in life

People can change at any time and under any circumstances. The reason why you can't change is because you have made up your mind not to change.

Adlerian psychology is the psychology of courage.

first step to change

Adler's teleology says: "No matter what happened in your previous life, it has no impact on how you spend your future life." What determines your life is yourself living in "this moment".

All I can do is to first let him accept "the current self", no matter what the result is, first let him build up the courage to move forward. Adlerian psychology calls this "encouragement."

It’s simply impossible not to get hurt in a relationship. As long as you are involved in interpersonal relationships, you will be hurt, big or small, and you will hurt others.

The reason why you feel lonely is not because you are alone. You feel lonely when you feel alienated from others, society and the community around you. In order to experience loneliness, we also need the presence of others. In other words, people only become "individuals" in social relationships.

You hate yourself because you are too afraid of interpersonal relationships. You are avoiding interpersonal relationships through self-loathing.

Sense of inferiority is a word about self-worth judgment

Our inferiority complex is not an "objective fact" but a "subjective explanation"

We cannot change objective facts, but we can change subjective interpretations at will. Moreover, we all live in a subjective world.

Value must be based on social meaning. Value issues can ultimately be traced back to relationships.

Why do people have an inferiority complex?

We should make the right use of our inferiority complex

Inferiority complex and inferiority complex

"No one can endure a feeling of inferiority for long."

An inferiority complex sometimes develops into another psychological state - a superiority complex (false sense of superiority)

People who brag about themselves actually have no confidence in themselves

boast

"The pursuit of superiority" means that you are constantly moving forward, rather than being superior to others.

A healthy sense of inferiority comes not from comparison with others, but from comparison with the "ideal self."

We should view the differences between ourselves and others positively. Although we are different, we are equal.

We are not trying to compete with anyone as we move forward. The value lies in constantly surpassing oneself.

Inferiority complex related to competition

“I can’t sincerely wish others who live a happy life”

"Everyone is my partner"

We can neither travel back in time nor turn back the clock. However, what kind of value is given to the past is a question faced by the "present you".

anger

If you are attacked in person, do not react to the other person's behavior.

Anger is a form of communication, and it is possible to communicate without using anger. We can communicate and gain approval from others without using anger.

No matter how right you think you are, don't use it as a reason to blame the other person. This is a trap in relationships that many people easily fall into.

Once people are convinced that "I am right" in interpersonal relationships, they have entered into a power struggle.

Admitting mistakes, apologizing, and withdrawing from power struggles are not "failures."

The pursuit of superiority is not accomplished through competition with others.

So why do you regard others as "enemies" but not "partners"?

The goals of Adlerian psychology regarding both behavioral and psychological aspects of human beings

"Life Lessons"

There is distance and depth in relationships

Friendship topics

The subject of love

Avoiding life issues - "Life Lies"

Adlerian psychology is not a "psychology of possession" but a "psychology of use."

We choose our own life and lifestyle with our own hands. We have this power.