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The Courage to Be Disliked Reading Notes
The book "The Courage to Be Disliked" talks about the theory of purpose and cause, all troubles come from interpersonal relationships, interpersonal relationships and freedom, psychological goals, behavioral goals, the ultimate goal of interpersonal relationships, and serious people live in the present.
Edited at 2021-09-22 23:01:56
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One Hundred Years of Solitude is the masterpiece of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Reading this book begins with making sense of the characters' relationships, which are centered on the Buendía family and tells the story of the family's prosperity and decline, internal relationships and political struggles, self-mixing and rebirth over the course of a hundred years.
- One Hundred Years of Solitude Character Relationship Chart
One Hundred Years of Solitude is the masterpiece of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Reading this book begins with making sense of the characters' relationships, which are centered on the Buendía family and tells the story of the family's prosperity and decline, internal relationships and political struggles, self-mixing and rebirth over the course of a hundred years.
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The Courage to Be Disliked Reading Notes
- One Hundred Years of Solitude Character Relationship Chart
One Hundred Years of Solitude is the masterpiece of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Reading this book begins with making sense of the characters' relationships, which are centered on the Buendía family and tells the story of the family's prosperity and decline, internal relationships and political struggles, self-mixing and rebirth over the course of a hundred years.
- One Hundred Years of Solitude Character Relationship Chart
One Hundred Years of Solitude is the masterpiece of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Reading this book begins with making sense of the characters' relationships, which are centered on the Buendía family and tells the story of the family's prosperity and decline, internal relationships and political struggles, self-mixing and rebirth over the course of a hundred years.
- Project Management Process Template
Project management is the process of applying specialized knowledge, skills, tools, and methods to project activities so that the project can achieve or exceed the set needs and expectations within the constraints of limited resources. This diagram provides a comprehensive overview of the 8 components of the project management process and can be used as a generic template for direct application.
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- Outline
The courage to be hated Criticize, absorb, practice yourself, take a closer look Essence, mark your own thoughts It takes half of your own age to practice
worldview, human life in self-created in subjective world How do you see the world? It's up to you can change
Purpose vs Reason Theory
1. Focus on the past and stop moving forward
2. The behavior is caused by the present purpose.
See people as the whole me ✓ Separate me from my feelings Thinking that feelings make me... will fall into the lie of life, (the whole rather than the parts)
3. Psychological trauma does not exist
Any experience itself is not the cause of success or failure. We are not suffering from psychological trauma, in fact we find elements in the experience that serve our own purposes What determines us is not our past experiences, but the meaning we give to our experiences. This directly determines our lives Choose how you live
angry fabrication
4. Focus on how to use what is given, about being someone else
1. The important focus is not what is given, but How to make use of what is given (because some things are objective and cannot be changed temporarily) 2. It is not comprehensive enough. It only sees one-tenth of the misfortune, but fails to see the three-thirds of luck and the normality.
5. Choose yourself
If you just stick to what you have been given, will reality change? We are not replaceable machines; What we need is replacement, not renewal
Make up your mind not to change, Because it's good Think the status quo is easier lack of courage
Can be reselected
The problem is now 1. Living in the assumption that whatever happens is what it is (escape) It cannot be changed at all - the novelist makes excuses and blushes 2. What can you do now to make progress? 3. Character is regarded as a lifestyle and world view, which is variable 4. No matter what happened in the previous life, it will affect the future. It has no decisive influence on how I spend my life. I feel that my life is It’s the self that lives in this moment
All troubles come from interpersonal relationships
1. Hate yourself, starting from teleology
Make up your mind that you don’t like yourself
Escape, fear of getting hurt - Confession
2. People become individuals only in social relationships
So the worries won’t completely disappear
3. Inferiority
inferiority complex)
Connotation, less value
Value is based on social meaning - worries and interpersonal relationships, which are fundamentally generated from vertical relationships
produce, subjective conjecture
The problem is how I view this height and what value is given to it
Subjective, meaning you can choose for yourself
Everyone has it, pursue superiority
resulting from failure to achieve ideals
positive stimulation
Abandon the sense of inferiority, keep moving forward and not be satisfied with the status quo Happier
with ideal self Compare
inferiority complex
Complex and abnormal psychological state
the law of external causation (replacing the original Nothing that has any causal relationship Interpreted as if there is a significant causal relationship)
Making excuses, unwilling to change, lack of courage, maintaining the status quo
As long as there is no a, I will
produce
Correct, make up for shortcomings through hard work and growth
Mistakes, not having the courage to change, using excuses to imply that the real me is great
superiority complex
Connotation, acting as if one is excellent and then immersed in a false sense of superiority. Those who use the power of authority to elevate themselves will eventually Live within the values and lives of others
boast about misfortune
Dominating the other party will always require misfortune
4. Life is your own
compete
The object, yourself, as long as you keep moving forward - Vanadium: It requires high self-discipline, and objectively competing with others can also encourage people to make progress. This is a means, but the fundamental value still lies in oneself.
Differences: We are different but equal
On the same plane, there are people walking in front and people walking behind.
The value lies in constantly surpassing oneself
Partner - Seeing other people's success as my failure prevents me from giving blessings But everyone is a partner, opinions change, and we need to be liberated from competition
Too much self-awareness, But the only one who cares about your appearance is yourself
power struggle and revenge
Public outrage transcends personal interests
Private anger - people against people, purposeful power struggle
1. Don’t be fooled when provoked by a struggle for power – see through the essence No need to react, no need to rely on anger as a tool 2. The right or wrong of a dispute of opinions has nothing to do with winning or losing. Admit your mistakes. Apologizing and withdrawing from the power struggle are not failures. At the same time, don’t oppress the other person just because you are right. If you are right, the other party doesn't matter.
Three major issues in life Survive as a social being Must face
make friends
Difficult to start and develop.
You can't wait for others to change. The situation changes by yourself. Take the first step bravely
Work
In terms of distance and depth, the threshold is the lowest, and interpersonal relationships are closely related to the work itself.
like
in love
1. I love you, it has nothing to do with you
2. Unfettered, unrestrained
3. No inferiority or superiority, calm, natural and equal
family
Don't escape, face it
life lies
Change of purpose, treating others as enemies, making excuses to avoid life issues (Vanadium: First of all, we cannot deny the objective existence, that is, other people have problems. But if you want to take action, you still need to use this psychology and find your own Purpose, change from oneself)
It takes courage to choose your own way of life
freedom, self
Relationships and freedom
Expression of Approval Desire Adler denies seeking approval from others (F: It’s completely impossible to tell the truth, but when you take your time, you’re lying to yourself and others. Dilute it and life will be different) 1. If the main goal of work becomes satisfying other people’s needs If you look forward to it, the work will become quite painful. Because then you will only care about other people’s eyes and be afraid I am afraid of other people’s eyes and evaluation, so I can’t do anything at all. The true self, most psychological counselors take this as an example, Why am I not? 2. To exercise self-discipline only by looking at others, that is, to gain others Live seriously with the goal of being recognized by others, and the opinions of others are your guideposts, which is extremely unfree.
1. Don’t want to be disliked by anyone natural desire impulse Tendency 2. Falling stones wear themselves down continuously Becoming round is not your true self 3. Freedom means being hated by others
1. You don’t need to live in the expectations of others There is no need to meet other people's expectations Live in other people's lives 2. Others are not here to meet your expectations. to live 3. Stop yourself from falling and climb up again 4. Freedom has a price. We must not be afraid of being disliked by others. Don’t care about other people’s evaluations and are not afraid of being disliked by others If you don’t pursue being recognized by others and don’t pay the above price, you won’t be able to implement it. Live by yourself 5. Don’t be afraid of being disliked but move forward courageously. Don’t follow the crowd but Forging ahead bravely is the freedom for people I care more about my own life than what others think of me Because if someone doesn’t like me, I can’t interfere. This is someone else’s problem. 6. Living in fear of relationship breakdown is living for others an unfree lifestyle if it is because of your objections A collapsed relationship, then there was no need to enter into such a relationship from the beginning It doesn’t matter if you give it up on your own initiative (vanadium: This is the way to live freely It is an essential thing, which is different from means. If you need to use means To get something that you have to be in such a relationship, that can be done by Separation of topics to make yourself happy? )
Reward and Punishment Education×
subject separation methodology
Living in the moment
Life is a series of moments
methodology
Face life Topic to fulfill
psychological goals
1. I am capable-self-acceptance
2. Everyone is my partner - others trust and contribute
behavioral goals
1. Self-reliance - self-acceptance
2. Coexist harmoniously with society - trust others and contribute
separation of subjects (Interpersonal relationship portal Keep an appropriate distance)
1. Think about whose Start with whose subject this is
Let’s see who bears the consequences
2. Separate topics and draw clear boundaries, Don't interfere with others Don’t interfere in other people’s issues, even if Parents, children independent Don't let others interfere with yourself Interference-Manipulation-Vertical Relationships
Basically, all interpersonal conflicts arise from Interfere arbitrarily with other people's projects or have your own projects be interfered with by others. If you interfere arbitrarily, others can guide you and lead the horse to the river.
Drawing clear boundaries and putting aside other people's issues is a way to lighten the burden The first step to becoming simple, like 1. The boss is incompetent and unreasonable That's not my topic, there's no need to please, there's no need To compromise, what you should do is to face your life honestly, Handle your own issues correctly 2. My father and I saw my purpose—to move to bad memories just for the sake of discord— Separation of topics - I am determined to repair how my father has nothing to do with me - to change myself It is not for the purpose of manipulating and changing others. Others may or may not change, but that is not the purpose. (Distinguish between the means and the true nature of the purpose) Interpersonal relationships are first about how you are - He did what he could and led him to the water
Draw clear boundaries, don’t interfere in other people’s issues (don’t be self-centered), trust and love too It’s a matter of two people to distinguish between how you love others and how others treat you. Abandon the shackles of the thought of repayment. No matter what the other party does, decide for yourself. Whatever you do should be done by yourself, without seeking rewards. Nor is it bound by it. For example, above, my father and I
3. Do your own research well
The only one who can change is yourself, the horse has to drink by himself Children who do not learn to face difficulties will eventually want to escape all difficulties
The interpersonal relationship card is held in one’s own hands (some people I’m always worried about what others think of me, so I choose to satisfy others’ expectations. lifestyle)
4. Cognitive belonging, cutting off the Gerdios knot Destiny is not determined by legends but by your own sword To develop it, I don’t need to rely on legends, but on Use your own sword to create your destiny, go against common sense, and use new methods Untie the fetters——Untie the threads
5. In order to build good relationships, horizontal relationships are involved different but equal
Praise × ability vs. incompetence evaluation, for manipulation, vertical relationships create a sense of inferiority For the purpose of getting praise, you will eventually choose a lifestyle that caters to other people's values.
Criticism ×
In subject separation and horizontal relationships (feeling both on the premise of establishing equal horizontal relationships while maintaining differences) Assist - encourage - help him solve problems independently It’s me who faces the issue head-on and makes the decision— Helping you find the courage to face life’s issues head-on eg others saying sincere thank you vs you doing a good job In the former, you will feel that you have contributed, that is, valuable, and you will gain courage.
If you establish a vertical relationship with someone, you will unconsciously Staying on top of all your relationships, horizontally too, is a major lifestyle change
The important thing is equality in consciousness and insisting on one's own opinions. The lie of life - You have the leeway to reject your boss's unreasonable decisions and come up with a better way In order to escape interpersonal conflicts and evade responsibilities, you think there is no room for it. , passively subordinate to the vertical relationship
sense of community The ultimate goal of relationships
1. Definition, seeing others as partners and being able to feel from them The state of having one's own place
2. Scope, space is as large as human beings and all other existences time from past to future Unlimited……
3. The source of happiness lies in interpersonal relationships, and the feeling of community is the most important indicator of happy interpersonal relationships.
4. Realize that you are not the center of the world, Actively integrate into the community, (A sense of belonging is not something you are born with, it must be obtained by your own hands)
Starting from you and me, Turn your obsession with yourself into concern for others Think about what I can give this person
1. Blindly caring about what others think is self-centered and has too strong self-awareness, which will seriously constrain oneself. Worry that your behavior will be laughed at by others,
2. Thinking blindly about what others have brought to you and prioritizing you is self-centered Others don’t live to meet your expectations You are not the center of the world, you are just the center of the world map, you are part of the world What we should think about is not what others have done for me, but what I can do for others and actively practice it. See others as partners, a sense of community
5. Listen to the voice of the larger community. For example, teachers are just common sense in the small community of school, and nothing else. In the community of people and society, you and the teacher are equal people. If something is raised that is unreasonable Requests can be rejected directly, and due to objections There is no need to enter into a broken relationship, and do not live in fear of the relationship breaking up. It is necessary to have a sense of community and freedom of choice. There is no need to stick to the small community in front of you. There are more
6. Find courage
People can only gain courage when they feel they are valuable - Only when people can realize that I am useful to the community can they feel their own value - show concern for others equal encouragement horizontal relationship Ability to subjectively believe that I can contribute to others
Value judgment, based on existence rather than behavioral standards For example, 1. Subtract little by little from the ideal image of 100, It is an idea of evaluation. The child should not be compared with anyone else, but should be regarded as himself. Be grateful for his existence, start from scratch, be grateful for existence itself, Suppose you help wash the dishes. In an ideal image, forget it and study. It will hurt. Subtraction operation, thank you, realize the value, continue to do well 2. Workaholics are a lie in life. They do not face other issues in life other than work and only use behavioral standards to judge value.
7. People don’t agree with the community. Someone has to start it. Even if others don’t cooperate, it has nothing to do with you. This is my opinion. You should start it. You don’t have to consider whether others cooperate.
8. Establish a sense of community (transform attachment to oneself into concern for others)
important points
self-acceptance
Different from self-affirmation, it implies that I can do it even though I clearly can't do it. It can easily lead to a superiority complex, lying to myself, and 60% on the exam to comfort bad luck, when I could have been 100%.
Be positive and optimistic, accept 60, and strive to get closer to 100, that is, you can clearly distinguish between what can be changed and what cannot be changed. We cannot change what we have been given. What can I change with my own power? How do I use what I have been given? Accept the reality of who I am and have the courage to change. We lack it, not the ability. God please grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change. Grant me the courage to change. What I can change, give me the wisdom to know the difference - Niebuhr's prayer
trust in others
trust
Don’t attach any strings when trusting others, 1. You may be deceived and used and take the position of a betrayer. If If someone is betrayed by you and trusts you unconditionally, you will... 2. Unconditional trust may be betrayed, but that is someone else’s problem. You only need to consider what I should do. On the contrary, if you build interpersonal relationships on suspicion and use suspicion as the purpose, you will find corresponding behaviors.
Credit
For a bank loan, if the other party is trustworthy, I will trust it. This is just a credit relationship based on mortgage or conditions. Vanadium: If it is just about trust, you will constantly test whether it is worthy of trust and whether it will betray you, and you will not be able to fully trust it. Trusting will make you tired, you will not be able to obtain happiness, and you will not be sincere?
The scissors are in your hand
Unconditional trust is just a means to improve interpersonal relationships and build horizontal relationships. If you don’t want to, you can cut off the relationship. This is your own task.
Bravely bear the consequences
1. If you dare not trust others, you will eventually be unable to establish a deep relationship with anyone. Building a deep relationship is an important goal of trust. Through trust in others, you will deepen your courage and the joy of interpersonal relationships will increase. 2. Self-acceptance As long as you can accept your true self and see clearly what you can and cannot do, you will also understand that betrayal is another person’s problem. Although sad, our goal is to treat others as friends. We should choose to trust. We want to avoid pain and sadness. We do not act so that we cannot establish relationships.
Contributions from others
1. The essence of work is contribution to others
2. Through self-acceptance and trust in others, treat others as partners, find a place in the community, and have a sense of belonging. The next step is the contribution of others.
3. Contribution by others is not about abandoning myself and serving others (people who are overly adapted to society). It is about taking actions in order to realize my value. a means by which I am useful to others
9. A harmonious lifestyle
In any case, it's only the person who attacked me that has a problem, not everyone else's fault Smooth interpersonal relationships are definitely not due to stuttering or blushing phobia, but to the inability to accept oneself, relying on others' contributions, focusing on one insignificant aspect and trying to evaluate the whole world based on it, only seeing the parts but not the whole.
serious life Living in the moment
Happiness is the sense of contribution
Separation by topic (It’s not you who judges whether your contribution works It’s someone else’s project, so you only need to make a subjective contribution Even if it is a contribution that others cannot see) /////// freedom of choice, ////// Not seeking approval from others but Subjectively aware that I am useful to others (Fan: Of course, this is an essential understanding, not that You can make so-called contributions regardless of method) In the final analysis, there is still a sense of community. 3 ways
ideal hope
The pursuit of superiority, Attract the attention of others, break away from the ordinary state and become special exist for purpose
Hope it's excellent
Hope is a particularly bad, cheap pursuit of superiority—revenge
The courage to be ordinary
Everyone is an ordinary person. Being ordinary does not mean being incompetent. There is no need for us to show off our superiority
A planned life is not about whether it is necessary, but simply impossible. Life is a series of moments, we can only live in this moment If life is about climbing to reach the top of the mountain, then your life I spend most of my time on the road, that is to say, real life It starts when you reach the top of the mountain. The journey before that is all temporary. The temporary life I have walked through, if you fail to reach the top of the mountain, your people What will happen if you are not able to reach the top of the mountain due to an accident? Mountaineering activities If it ends in failure, your life will be interrupted and most of your life will be wasted. on the way Life is like a succession of moments spinning and dancing in every moment
As long as the moment of dancing is fulfilled, it is enough. Dancing itself is Purpose, there is no destination——
realistic life
When you do something now, it is completed immediately, and the process itself is also movement as a result
potential
The distance to reach the destination is still there It is not complete in the sense of reaching the destination.
It’s okay to have no goals, Live this moment seriously, It's dance itself
1. From a realistic perspective Life is always in a state of completion Live this moment seriously, every moment is end 2. Don’t take life too seriously, don’t take it seriously Confused with profoundness, live every moment seriously There is no need to be too profound, life is very simple
The most important thing is this moment
The past cannot be changed, what happened in the past has nothing to do with your It doesn't matter at this moment The future is unpredictable and is not an issue to consider at this moment. What plays a decisive role is this moment eg knows about this psychology and wanted to understand it ten years ago because he It affects you now, but who knows what you will think ten years from now, You should hear this thought now
Our lives are weak because of the blur The light shines on the whole of life, so we can feel and see past and future, but if a strong spotlight is directed at At this moment, you cannot see the past, nor can you see In the future, we should live our lives seriously at this moment, rather than Living in a dim, dim light rather than by focusing on the past Or find a charm for yourself in the future,
Life is not a story. If we regard life as a long story based on the law of cause and effect, Origin, background, past, determine who I am now and in the future, in the early part of the story can see a vague future, and people will want to live according to this story This is my life, so I can only live according to it. The fault is not with me but with the past. And the environment, the past moved out here is an absolutist, a lie in life. But life is not a story, it is a series of dots and a series of moments.
Lifestyle means that at this moment, you can change it according to your own will. Things, the straight line of your past life is nothing but your repeated determination Without making any changes, it seems to be a straight line (the vanadium line segment has a starting point, a middle and an end point) The future life is completely a blank piece of paper with no track laid out and no story.
Confrontation with the biggest lie in life Serious and cautious life
Don't use lines to see where you are, Instead, focus on how to spend this moment
PHILOSOPHER: The same goes for your own life. Set a goal for the distant future and consider now to be the preparation stage for it. Keeping thinking "What you really want to do is something like this, and you will do it when the time comes" is a way of life that delays life. As long as we procrastinate in life, we will make no progress and live a boring and monotonous life every day. Because in this case, people will think that "this moment" is just a stage of preparation and patience. However, the "here and now" of studying hard for exams in the distant future is real. For example, although you want to go to college but don't want to study, this is an attitude that does not take the "here and now" seriously. Of course, the exam may be a long time later, and I don’t know how far I should study, so I may feel numb. However, it’s okay to make a little progress every day. A calculation or memorizing a word will do. That means just keep dancing. In this way, there will inevitably be "things that can be done today." This day exists for this, not for Examinations in the distant future exist.
The biggest lie in life is to not live in this moment, dwell on the past, focus on the future, shine a weak and blurry light on the whole of life, and think you have seen something. You have been ignoring this moment before, only focusing on the non-existent past and the future. The future, your own life And the irreplaceable Setsuna told a big lie to get rid of him, and turned the light to this moment without fear
the meaning of life
There is no universal meaning of life, For example, natural disasters and man-made disasters, our lives are full of unreasonable things, But if no action is taken in the face of unreasonable tragedy, That is tantamount to confirming that a tragedy has occurred. No matter what, we have to take some Action, fight against what Kant calls tendencies, look forward when encountering difficulties and think about what should be done And asking why it is meaningless based on the theory of causes (blindly focusing on meaninglessness does not mean that it is irrational to analyze the reasons and take countermeasures)
The meaning of life is given by oneself eg Grandfather was severely injured, but still chose to treat others as partners
Guiding Star—Contribution of Others
Do this well, there is no need to compete, you will arrive before you know it
My power is infinite
The world cannot be changed by others but only by me. If I change, the world will also change. No one other than me will change the world for me.
Someone has to start. Even if others don’t cooperate, it has nothing to do with you. You should start, and you don’t have to consider whether others cooperate.
I don’t know yet whether I and the world I see will change, but at this moment it is emitting a dazzling light, so strong that I cannot see things like tomorrow.