MindMap Gallery The courage to be hated
Mind map of the courage to be hated, such as Adlerian psychology is not a rigid science, but about understanding the truth and purpose of human nature.
Edited at 2023-06-09 21:48:55One Hundred Years of Solitude is the masterpiece of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Reading this book begins with making sense of the characters' relationships, which are centered on the Buendía family and tells the story of the family's prosperity and decline, internal relationships and political struggles, self-mixing and rebirth over the course of a hundred years.
One Hundred Years of Solitude is the masterpiece of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Reading this book begins with making sense of the characters' relationships, which are centered on the Buendía family and tells the story of the family's prosperity and decline, internal relationships and political struggles, self-mixing and rebirth over the course of a hundred years.
Project management is the process of applying specialized knowledge, skills, tools, and methods to project activities so that the project can achieve or exceed the set needs and expectations within the constraints of limited resources. This diagram provides a comprehensive overview of the 8 components of the project management process and can be used as a generic template for direct application.
One Hundred Years of Solitude is the masterpiece of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Reading this book begins with making sense of the characters' relationships, which are centered on the Buendía family and tells the story of the family's prosperity and decline, internal relationships and political struggles, self-mixing and rebirth over the course of a hundred years.
One Hundred Years of Solitude is the masterpiece of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Reading this book begins with making sense of the characters' relationships, which are centered on the Buendía family and tells the story of the family's prosperity and decline, internal relationships and political struggles, self-mixing and rebirth over the course of a hundred years.
Project management is the process of applying specialized knowledge, skills, tools, and methods to project activities so that the project can achieve or exceed the set needs and expectations within the constraints of limited resources. This diagram provides a comprehensive overview of the 8 components of the project management process and can be used as a generic template for direct application.
No relevant template
The courage to be hated
Adlerian Psychology
individual psychology
Adlerian psychology is not a rigid science, but about understanding the truth and goals of human nature
Adlerian psychology considers not the "causes" of the past, but the "purpose" of the present
If we continue to rely on the theory of causes, we will never make progress
Adlerian psychology clearly denies psychological trauma
Adlerian psychology is an idea and philosophy that is diametrically opposed to nihilism
Adlerian psychology is the psychology of courage
No matter what happened in your previous life, it will have no impact on how you spend your future life.
To eliminate worries, unless a person survives in the universe
Adlerian psychology is not the psychology of changing others, but the psychology of pursuing self-change.
Adlerian Psychology is the “Psychology of Courage”
Adlerian psychology is not a "psychology of having" but a "psychology of using"
Freudian Psychology
The Freudian cause theory represented by the theory of trauma is determinism in disguise and is the entrance to nihilism.
Whose fault is our misfortune?
The Three Giants of Psychology: Adler, Freud, and Jung
No matter how much you "find reasons", you can't change a person
Example: A man who has been hiding in his room for many years wants to go outside. If possible, he also wants to have a job like a normal person. He really wants to change his current self. However, he was very afraid of going outside the room. As soon as he stepped out of the room, he would immediately experience heart palpitations and trembling hands and feet.
Cause Theory: The present me (result) is determined by past events (cause)
If we continue to rely on the theory of causes, we will never make progress
Teleology: Because you don’t want to go outside (purpose), you create an uneasy mood
The trauma in the heart does not exist
Adlerian psychology clearly denies psychological trauma
We will discover factors that suit our purposes from our experiences
It is not our past experiences that determine us, but the meaning we give to our experiences.
We all live for a certain "purpose"
Young people who stay at home can get the attention and care of their parents, but when they go out, they will become an ordinary member of the vast sea of people.
Anger is all fabricated
In order to achieve the purpose of getting angry (thinking that it is too troublesome to reason, so I want to use a faster way to make the other party submit), I fabricated the emotion of anger.
The so-called anger is just a means that can be retracted or released
The answer should not be obtained from others, but should be found out for oneself
If you can't feel happy, you can't "always be like this", you can't stand still, you must keep moving forward.
What matters is not what was given (birth environment), but how to use what was given
Your misfortunes are all "chosen" by yourself, not because you were born unlucky.
Believe that misfortune is a "good thing" for you
In Greek, good and evil do not have moral connotations
good: good
Evil: no good
People often resolve not to change
If the lifestyle is not given innately, but is the result of your own choices, then you can make a new choice by yourself
It is we who actively choose our own way of life
Even though people are dissatisfied, they still find it easier and more reassuring to maintain the status quo.
Your life depends on "now"
Have the determination to abandon your current lifestyle
If you live in assumptions like "what if", you won't be able to change at all.
If you want to change your view (lifestyle) of the world or yourself, you must change the way you communicate with the world and even change your own behavior
No matter what happened in your previous life, it will have no impact on how you spend your future life.
All troubles come from interpersonal relationships
Why do you hate yourself?
Purpose: Avoid getting hurt in relationships with others
As long as you become a person who only sees your own shortcomings, hates yourself extremely, hides in your own shell and does not interact with anyone, you can escape harm.
Because I have such a shortcoming, I will be rejected by others. As long as I don't have this shortcoming, I will be very lovable.
Being too afraid of interpersonal relationships makes you hate yourself, and avoid interpersonal relationships through self-loathing.
To eliminate worries, unless a person survives in the universe
All worries are worries about interpersonal relationships
If we want to experience loneliness, we also need the presence of others
As long as that person exists somewhere, loneliness will strike
"Internal troubles" do not exist at all. There will be other people's factors in any trouble.
The feeling of inferiority comes from subjective fabrication
Inferiority complex - feeling of inferiority - feeling of having less value
155cm height is not inferior
The question is how to view this height and what value to attribute to it
A subjective "feeling of inferiority" arising from comparison with others
The inferiority complex that troubles us is not an "objective fact" but a "subjective explanation"
We cannot change objective facts, but we can change subjective interpretations at will
Whether you regard height as an advantage or a disadvantage depends entirely on your own subjective decision.
Inferiority complex is just an excuse
Everyone has an inferiority complex, and it’s not a bad thing
Done right, feelings of inferiority can also be a catalyst for effort and growth.
But it's so heavy that no one can endure this state forever
People will "pursue superiority"-hope for progress and pursue an ideal state
People are all in a "state of hope for progress" that pursues superiority, establishes certain ideals or goals and strives for them. At the same time, you will have a sense of inferiority about yourself who cannot achieve your ideals.
Inferiority complex refers to the state of using one's own inferiority complex as some kind of excuse.
Because there is A, I can’t do B
If it weren't for this, I could do it
The law of external causation: interpreting things that originally have no causal relationship as if they have a significant causal relationship
Afraid of moving forward or unwilling to make a real effort, unwilling to sacrifice the pleasures you currently enjoy - such as leisure or play time - in order to change yourself. That is to say, they cannot find the "courage" to change their lifestyle. Even if they are dissatisfied or not free, they still prefer to maintain the status quo.
The more conceited a person is, the inferior he or she is
An inferiority complex sometimes develops into a superiority complex
Reasons for development: Although suffering from a strong sense of inferiority, they do not have the courage to make changes through sound means such as hard work or growth. And I can't stand the inferiority complex of "because I have A, I can't do B", and I can't accept my "incompetent self".
Presentation: Acting as if you are superior and then immersing yourself in a false sense of superiority
example:
Show that you are a special kind of existence by "asserting your power"
Arrogant people have a strong sense of inferiority and show off their specialness by showing off their excellence.
Boasting misfortune: A pattern of achieving an abnormal sense of superiority by intensifying feelings of inferiority.
Use misfortune to show your specialness, use misfortune to suppress others
Use your own misfortune as a weapon to dominate the other party
If you use your misfortune as a weapon to stay "special", you will always need misfortune
Weaknesses have privileges
Babies use their vulnerable traits to dominate adults
Life is not a competition with others
There are people walking in front and people walking behind on the same plane
Don’t compete with anyone, just keep moving forward
A healthy sense of inferiority does not come from comparing with others, but from comparing with the "ideal self"
We are different but equal
The value lies in constantly surpassing oneself
The only one who cares about your appearance is yourself
If there is "competition" in interpersonal relationships, it is impossible for people to get rid of the troubles caused by interpersonal relationships, and it is impossible to get rid of misfortunes
Unknowingly, you will see others and even the entire world as "the enemy"
Unable to sincerely bless others who live a happy life
Seeing other people's happiness as my failure, that's why I can't give happiness
If you can realize that "everyone is my partner", then your view of the world will be completely different
"Power Struggle" and Revenge in Interpersonal Relationships
anger
public outrage
Anger at social contradictions or injustices
long lasting
private anger
personal anger
will cool down quickly
Anger expressed out of personal anger is just a tool to bring others to their knees.
power struggle
Being insulted and provoked in person
fight back
If our side wins and the other side admits defeat, it will enter the "revenge" stage.
Consider the other party’s hidden “purpose”
Don’t rely on anger as a tool
Irritable people are not impatient, but they do not understand effective communication tools other than anger.
Want to prove your strength by winning
Once people are convinced that "I am right" in interpersonal relationships, they have entered into a power struggle.
If you think you're right, it shouldn't matter what the other person's opinion is.
Many people get into power struggles and try to bring others to their knees
Because I don’t want to fail, I don’t want to admit my mistakes.
Admitting mistakes does not mean failure
Example: Some children who are abused by their parents will go astray, skip school, and even engage in self-harm behaviors such as slitting their wrists.
theory of causes
Because parents use this method of education, children become like this
Teleological
revenge on parents
Your (child's) behavior will make your parents troubled, panicked, and miserable.
Three major topics in life
Life issue: When an individual wants to survive as a social being, he will encounter interpersonal relationships that he has to face.
behavioral goals
self-reliance
Awareness of “I am capable”
Live in harmony with society
"Everyone is my partner" awareness
Work topic
In principle, there is no job that does not require cooperation with others
In terms of distance and depth, the threshold for interpersonal relationships at work is the lowest.
Because we have a common goal of achieving work results, we can collaborate even if we don’t agree with each other.
After the work is completed, it becomes a relationship with others
Friendship topics
The number of friends or acquaintances has no value
What matters is the distance and depth of the relationship
Adlerian psychology is not the psychology of changing others, but the psychology of pursuing self-change.
As long as you change, the surroundings will also change
The subject of love
Only when people can feel that "you can be unrestrained with this person" can you experience love.
There is no need to feel inferior or show off superiority, and can maintain a calm and natural state
Bondage is a manifestation of wanting to dominate the other person, and it is also an idea based on distrust.
No matter how difficult the relationship is, you cannot choose to escape, you must face it bravely
The most undesirable thing is to stand still in this situation.
"The lie of life" teaches us how to escape
Adler called this attempt to create excuses to avoid life's issues "life lies."
Suppose you hate person A, saying that it is because A has intolerable shortcomings. However, it is not because you can't tolerate A's shortcomings that you hate him. It is because you first have the purpose of hating A, and then you find out what is consistent with it. Disadvantages of this purpose
In order to escape the interpersonal relationship with A
In a relationship, after a certain period, sometimes whatever the other person says or does will make you angry. Although this was not the case a few months ago, it is because the person has made up his mind to find an opportunity to "end the relationship" and is gathering materials to end the relationship, so it feels that way.
In fact, the other party has not changed at all, but his "purpose" has changed.
Man is a humane and selfish creature. Once he has this idea, he will find the other person's shortcomings no matter what.
Give hell to anyone who interferes with your life
Freedom is no longer seeking approval
Currency is minted free
Perhaps the essence of what money brings is freedom
Adlerian psychology denies seeking approval from others
We don’t live to meet other people’s expectations
We don’t have to meet other people’s expectations
If you don’t live your life for yourself, then who else will live for yourself?
If you blindly seek other people’s approval and care about other people’s evaluations, you will end up living in other people’s lives.
Others don’t live to meet your expectations.
Separate your own “life issues” from those of others
We must separate our own issues from other people's issues from the perspective of "Whose issue is this?"
Don’t interfere in other people’s issues
Basically, all conflicts in interpersonal relationships are caused by interference in other people's issues or interference in one's own issues by others.
How to tell whose topic this is?
Who will ultimately bear the consequences of a certain choice?
You can take a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink.
The only one who can change yourself is yourself
Closely related family members need to consciously separate issues.
Put aside other people's issues
Choose the path you think is best
How others evaluate your choice is their business and you have no control over it.
Don’t interfere with other people’s issues, and don’t let others interfere with your own issues.
Cut off the "Gerdios Knot"
Subject separation is not the ultimate goal of interpersonal relationships, but the entrance
Be wary of the constraints of repayment thoughts
Whatever the other party has done for you, even if it is not what you expected, you must repay.
Because I did this for you, you should reward me accordingly
The pursuit of recognition kills freedom
Living to meet other people's expectations and entrusting your life to others is a way of life that lies to oneself and constantly lies to others.
Separating issues is not self-centered. On the contrary, interfering with other people's issues is self-centered.
Adults who have chosen an unfree lifestyle will criticize young people for their "hedonism" when they look at young people living freely in the present.
This is actually a lie fabricated in order to allow yourself to live without freedom.
Freedom is being hated by others
Kant: Tendency - instinctive, impulsive desire
True freedom is an attitude that pushes you up from below
Don’t care about other people’s evaluations, don’t be afraid of being disliked by others, and don’t pursue the approval of others. If you don’t pay the above prices, you won’t be able to implement your own way of life, that is, you won’t be able to gain freedom.
The "trump card" of interpersonal relationships is in your own hands
Cause theory: I didn’t get along with my father because I was beaten.
helpless
Teleology: I moved out the memory of being beaten because I didn’t want to reconcile with my father.
Change "Purpose"
Have the courage to be hated
individual psychology holism
Individual Psychology: In English etymology, it means "indivisible"
Adler opposed all dualist values that consider separately the mind and body, reason and emotion, and consciousness and unconsciousness.
holism
The way of considering people as indivisible beings and "whole self" is called "holism"
The subject of separation is the starting point of interpersonal relationships
The ultimate goal of relationships
sense of community
The state of seeing others as partners and being able to feel that "one has a place"
is the most important indicator of happy relationships
smallest unit of society
me and you
People who are unable to separate subjects and are blindly obsessed with the desire for recognition are extremely self-centered people.
A lifestyle that only cares about "what others think" is a self-centered lifestyle that only cares about "me"
Replace "obsession with oneself (self-centered)" with "concern for others"
We are not the center of the world, but the center of the world map
We are part of the community, not the center
Face life's issues head-on, do not avoid interpersonal issues such as work, making friends, and love, and face them proactively
Instead of thinking about "what will this person give me", you must think about "what can I give this person"
A sense of belonging is not something you are born with, it must be obtained by your own hands.
When we encounter difficulties in interpersonal relationships or cannot see an exit, the first thing we should consider is the principle of "listening to the voice of the greater community"
In school, don’t use the common sense of the school community to judge things, but follow the common sense of the larger community.
In school, teachers are the holders of power, but in a "human society", we are all equal "human beings"
Living in fear of relationship breakdown is an unfree lifestyle of living for others.
Criticism is not good, nor is praise.
The position of Adlerian psychology: neither criticism nor praise
Praising this kind of behavior contains the characteristics of "evaluation made by capable people on incompetent people"
The purpose of praising others is to "manipulate others who are less capable than themselves." There is neither gratitude nor respect.
Adlerian psychology opposes all "vertical relationships" and advocates viewing all interpersonal relationships as "horizontal relationships"
The feeling of inferiority is originally a consciousness arising from vertical relationships.
Only with encouragement can you have courage
It is precisely because they regard interpersonal relationships as vertical relationships and regard the other party as lower than themselves that they interfere.
Hoping to lead the other party in the direction you want through intervention
This is the belief that one is right and the other person is wrong
Adlerian psychology calls this kind of assistance based on horizontal relationships "encouragement"
People will form the belief that they are incapable because of being praised.
Praise is "the evaluation made by capable people to incompetent people"
If the goal is to gain praise, you will eventually choose a lifestyle that caters to other people’s values.
If you have value, you have courage.
How to encourage?
The most important thing is not to judge others
Evaluative language is language based on vertical relationships
Use "Thank you" and "That helped a lot" to express your gratitude to your partners who helped you.
Use words like “I’m happy” to express your true joy
When people hear words of thanks, they will know that they can contribute something to others.
How to get "courage"?
People can only gain courage when they can feel that they are worthy
People can only feel their own value when they realize "I am useful to the community"
By serving the community (others), you can realize that "I am useful to others"
Subjectively, you can think "I can make a contribution to others"
It’s not about being evaluated by others as “very good”
As long as it exists, it has value
Don’t look at others by the standard of “behavior” but by the standard of “existence”
As long as it exists, it has value to others
Don’t judge others by “what they have done,” but express joy and gratitude for what they have done.
Someone has to start, and even if others don’t cooperate, it’s none of your business.
It's up to you to start, without having to worry about other people's cooperation
No matter where you are, you can have an equal relationship
First, establish a horizontal relationship with others, even if only one party is involved
If you establish a vertical relationship with someone, you will unconsciously grasp all interpersonal relationships from a "vertical" perspective
If you can develop a horizontal relationship with someone, that's a major lifestyle change
It does not mean turning anyone into a friend or treating everyone like a friend. What is important is equality in consciousness and insisting on what you should stand for.
Serious life "live in the moment"
Too much self-awareness will restrict yourself
Being fettered by too much self-awareness and unable to act freely
Not to affirm oneself, but to accept oneself
Building a sense of community requires starting from the following three points:
self-acceptance
Self-affirmation and self-acceptance
self-affirmation
Obviously I can't do it, but I still hint to myself and say "I can do it"
It is an idea that easily leads to a superiority complex and a lifestyle of lying to oneself.
self-acceptance
If you can't do it, honestly accept this "you can't do it" and then try your best to work in the direction of what you can do without lying to yourself.
Distinguish between "what can be changed" and "what cannot be changed"
Focus on “what can be changed”
The perspective and purpose of looking at the problem, etc.
How to make use of what is given
Don’t focus on “the unchangeable”
We can't change "what we've been given"
Parents, country, height and appearance, etc.
God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
Niebuhr's Prayer
We don’t lack ability, we just lack “courage”
affirmative optimism
Daguan: seeing the truth of things clearly
trust in others
Credit and trust
Credit
With additional conditions
bank mortgage loan
trust
Trust others without attaching any strings
Antonym: doubt
If you dare not trust others, you will ultimately be unable to build a deep relationship with anyone.
Accept who you are and see clearly what you can do and what you can’t do
Betrayal is other people’s problem
Contributions from others
If you want to gain a sense of belonging to a community, you must see others as partners. To see others as partners, you need self-acceptance and trust in others.
To influence and contribute to others as partners is his contribution
Contribution by others is not about giving up “I” and serving others. Rather, it is a means to realize the value of “I”.
What we should think about is not what others have done for me, but what I can do for others and actively practice it.
Contributions made while treating others as "enemies" may be hypocritical, but if others are "partners", all contributions will not be hypocritical.
It can also be an invisible contribution, as long as it can produce the subjective feeling (sense of contribution) that "I am useful to others"
Self-acceptance, trust in others, and contributions from others are an indispensable whole
Because you accept your true self (accept yourself), you can achieve "trust in others" without fear of betrayal.
Only by giving unconditional trust to others and treating others as one's partners can one achieve "other contribution"
Because you have contributed to others, you can realize that "I am useful to others" and then accept your true self and achieve "self-acceptance"
life lies
Smooth interpersonal relationships are neither due to stuttering nor blushing phobia. The real problem lies in the inability to accept oneself, trust others, and contribute to others, but focus on one insignificant aspect and attempt to evaluate the entire world based on it.
People who stutter only see part of something and then judge the whole thing
Workaholics only focus on certain aspects of life
Using work as an excuse to avoid other responsibilities
"Work" does not just mean working at a company. Work at home, childcare, contribution to local society, interests, etc., all of these are "work", and the company is only a small part of it. Thinking only about company work is a lifestyle that lacks harmony in life.
You can only rely on "behavior standards" to recognize your own value
how to get happiness
For people, the greatest misfortune is not liking themselves
Happiness is a sense of contribution
It can also be an invisible contribution, as long as it can produce the subjective feeling of "I am useful to others"
Desire for recognition is a common means of gaining a sense of contribution
There is no freedom in the sense of contribution gained through the desire for recognition.
Two roads before those who pursue their ideals
Hope it's excellent
Hope it's particularly bad
When your very best wishes cannot come true
When learning or sports are not going well
will turn to "hope is particularly bad"
The courage to be ordinary
Being ordinary does not mean being incompetent. We don’t need to show off our superiority.
Life is a series of moments
We can only live in "this moment"
Life, which seems like a line, is actually a series of points. In other words, life is a series of moments.
It’s not that a planned life is unnecessary, it’s simply impossible
Dance life
Life is like a succession of moments spinning and dancing in every moment
As long as the "here and now" of dancing is fulfilled, it is enough
In dance, dancing is the goal in itself, and no one knows where it will end up.
As a result of jumping, you will eventually reach somewhere. Because you are always jumping, you will not stop in place, but there is no destination.
potential life
A life that wants to reach the destination
Have a starting point and an end point
Movement from start to finish is as efficient and fast as possible
The journey to the destination is incomplete in the sense that the destination has not yet been reached.
realistic life
Life is like dancing
Once done, it will be completed immediately
Treat the process itself as the result
The most important thing is "at this moment"
If you focus a strong spotlight on the "here and now," you will lose sight of neither the past nor the future.
What happened in the past has nothing to do with your "here and now", and what will happen in the future is not a question to consider in your "here and now"
Focus on the "here and now" and do what you can do now carefully and carefully
The biggest lie in life
I can’t find my ideals and goals, I don’t even know how to dance
Live "this moment" seriously, this is dancing in itself
The biggest lie in life is not living in the "now"
Ignoring the "here and now" and focusing only on the past and future that do not exist at all, you tell a big lie about your own life and irreplaceable moments.
It is neither yesterday nor tomorrow that plays a decisive role, but "this moment"
the meaning of life
What is the meaning of life? Why do people live?
Adler: There is no universal meaning of life
The meaning of life is given by oneself
Life has no universal meaning, but you can give meaning to such a life, and the only one who can give meaning to your life is yourself.
How to give meaning to your life?
Feeling confused about my life
Because I want to choose "freedom"
Want to choose a path that is not afraid of being disliked, does not live for others, and lives only for yourself
guiding star
Contributions from others
No matter what kind of moment you live, even if someone hates you, as long as you don't lose the guiding star of "others' contribution", then you will not be lost, and you can do anything. You can live your own life even if you are hated by people who hate you
My power is infinite
If "I" changes, "the world" will change
The world cannot be changed by others but only by "me"
The world is simple and so is life
Adler: Someone has to start, and even if others don't cooperate, it's none of your business. That's my opinion. It should be started by you, without having to consider whether others will cooperate.