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Emotional Blackmail Reading Notes
This is a classic in psychology. This book allows us to see the true face of emotional blackmail and no longer be trapped by it. It analyzes in detail the various forms of emotional blackmail and the common mistakes we make in dealing with it, and teaches us how to fight against emotional blackmail and how to protect ourselves from harm. This book may bring you a new understanding of life. You will learn to protect yourself, insist on yourself, and live more freely and calmly. It may change your outlook on life and help you understand human nature better, so that you can be more comfortable in your future life!
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Emotional Blackmail Reading Notes
- bacteria
This is a mind map about bacteria, and its main contents include: overview, morphology, types, structure, reproduction, distribution, application, and expansion. The summary is comprehensive and meticulous, suitable as review materials.
- Plant asexual reproduction
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- Reproductive development of animals
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- Outline
"Emotional Blackmail" Reading Notes
Book information
Author: [US] Susan Forward
She is a well-known American psychotherapist and a best-selling author and speaker
She has more than 40 years of experience in psychotherapy. She has served as a psychologist and guidance counselor in many psychological institutions and medical clinics, and has rescued countless people with spiritual problems.
Representative works
"Emotional Blackmail"
"Emotional Blackmail"
Subtitle: What to do when you encounter someone who uses intimidation and feelings of responsibility and guilt to control you
Publisher: Ultimate Publishing House
Publication year: 2017-9
1. Why you are emotionally blackmailed
What is emotional blackmail
Emotional blackmail is a concept proposed by Susan Forward in the book "Emotional Blackmail"
Emotional blackmailers consciously or unconsciously use direct or indirect "blackmail" methods such as demands, threats, pressure, and silence to cause the blackmailed person to have negative emotions.
In order to reduce this negative emotion, the blackmailed person complies with the other party's request, which in the long run forms a vicious cycle
Eventually, the blackmailed person's "self" is completely lost
However, “this transaction can only succeed if the blackmailed person accepts the blackmail.”
Six Steps to Emotional Blackmail
Demand: Blackmailer makes extraordinary demands
There are indeed normal demands in relationships and in the workplace, not all of them are emotional blackmail.
The difference between normal and abnormal "requirements" is that
Does the other person ignore your feelings and do whatever it takes to achieve their goals?
Resistance: The blackmailed person resists internally
Pressure: Blackmailers keep up the pressure
Threat: Threaten the person being blackmailed to lose the things they value most
Compliance: In order to overcome the uneasiness, the blackmailed person can only do what the blackmailer says.
The old story repeats itself: the blackmailed person gives in again and again, making him even more immobile and worthy of meeting the blackmailer's demands.
Ultimately: the blackmailed person feels ashamed, thinks they are bad, and thinks it is wrong to be themselves
3 ways to interact with the emotional blackmail cycle
belittle you or your abilities
Purpose
Lost self-affirmation, self-trust
Way
Deny your feelings in order to achieve the goal of "As long as you do what I say, I will affirm you"
result
People no longer pay attention to their own feelings, and "doing what they say" becomes the only way to feel good.
trigger your guilt
Purpose
Use their evaluations to replace your own "sense of self-worth"
Way
Make the blackmailed person feel that they are "ignorant" and that only satisfying their wishes is good enough
Example
I do it all for your own good, I appreciate you so much, but you let me down
Take away your sense of security
Purpose
So you can only do it according to their way to relieve uneasiness and fear and regain a sense of security.
Way
Threaten you to lose "the things you value most" and make you feel uneasy
Characteristics of an emotional blackmailer
Too focused on one's own needs
When the needs of others and self conflict
Emotional blackmailers will selectively ignore the feelings and demands of others and magnify the urgency of their own needs.
The journey of an emotional blackmailer
conflict
disturbed
transfer stress to others
Ask others to meet your own requirements
Reduce your own anxiety
uncontrollable uneasiness
Project your own uneasiness onto others, thinking that others are the cause
Ask the other person to do what you want, hoping to feel "everything is under control" in order to gain a sense of security
Only thinking about myself, low empathy
Shirking responsibility and forcefully rationalizing one's behavior
It’s hard to accept that “I didn’t do well”
their blind spots
Unable to realize that considering the needs of the other party and modifying one's behavior does not mean that one is wrong
Emotional blackmailers often believe
To refuse my request is to refuse me
Others must do what I want
Thinking that you are being treated badly: You have to feel your own importance from the "reluctance" of others
Who is susceptible to emotional blackmail?
hope to be a good person
When you think that "rejecting others means you are a bad person", it will be difficult to refuse "unreasonable requests"
Get used to self-doubt
Performance
If you get used to self-doubt, you will fall into the "self-blame trap"
Very sensitive to guilt, with a heavy sense of responsibility, accustomed to accepting other people's emotions, and often worried about not doing well on his own
Example
When others make demands or blame, you begin to wonder if you have done something wrong.
Such a person is the perfect target for a blackmailer who is accustomed to passing the blame on others.
Being overly concerned about other people’s feelings
Putting other people's feelings before your own, eager to please others
Hope to be recognized by others
Working hard just to gain recognition from others and losing the self-evaluation system
The influence of superficial Confucian culture: filial piety and authority
As a human being, you have needs and feelings, and you should be understood and respected, rather than being suppressed with "you should" dogma, so that only one person's voice can be heard when two people interact.
Solution: Improve your sense of self-worth
3. Get rid of “emotional blackmail”
Why we can't escape emotional blackmail
reason
Nothing to do with "weakness", probably deep-seated fears, anxieties, and phobias
Care too much about other people's feelings, triggering "habitual guilt"
How to Start Freeing: Awareness is the First Step
What emotional blackmail does to us
Start to be cautious, afraid of conflict, losing yourself, losing self-esteem
Self-doubt: Am I not good enough?
excessive self-blame
Disappointed in myself: Why do I have no principles?
I think I don’t have the courage and stance to resist these
Neglect of self: Losing one’s own feelings and being unable to express one’s feelings
Afraid of conflict, always pay attention to the other person’s feelings
So I realized subconsciously: No one cares about my feelings, and no one pays attention to them.
Forcibly rationalizing the other party’s unreasonable demands
Ignore our own feelings and ignore the harm this relationship has done to us
"Rationalization" may make you more resistant to stress, but it becomes increasingly difficult to feel "your own feelings"
Get used to pleasing each other
Make the other person happy to reduce conflict
Form an interactive relationship based on fear
No love or joy, only fear
How to establish emotional boundaries
What are emotional boundaries
A range of emotions that cannot be violated by others
If there are no emotional boundaries, it is easy to regard other people's emotions as one's own, or one's own emotions as others', and it is difficult to distinguish whose responsibility the emotion is.
Emphasize: We must be responsible for our own emotions, not for other people’s emotions
How to establish emotional boundaries
Talk to yourself first
When you feel scared or worried, don’t make a decision in a hurry. Take a deep breath first and calm down your emotions.
Feel what you really want and give yourself confidence without being controlled by your inner fears and fears
See what "fear" really looks like
What are we afraid of?
The fear you imagine is far greater than the actual consequences
As long as I decide, this is the limit
Use your own feelings as a guide and set your own emotional boundaries
This boundary does not need to be discussed with anyone
Set emotional boundaries, not bottom lines
Boundaries are flexible and can be adjusted
Feel your emotions well, this is the source of courage to protect yourself
when others are in need
Meeting each other's needs is a choice, not an obligation
Because the most important obligation in life is to value one's own feelings and satisfy one's own needs without harming the rights and interests of others.
I promise that I will protect myself well
Practice steps to establish emotional boundaries: Stop, Look, Respond
Step one: Stop
You don’t have to respond to any of the emotional blackmailer’s demands
leave the scene
Phone call: "I need to think about it, I can't reply to you right now"
Scene: "I need to think now" and then leave
In the early stages of change, it is very important to leave the scene and calmly think about what just happened. Do not give the other party a chance to convince you.
Stop the conversation and leave the scene
Step 2: Look
Take a deep breath and calm down
Review the process and self-feelings, seriously understand why you are "uncomfortable", and say what you want to say
Soothe your own anxiety and guilt, and remind yourself where your emotional boundaries are: My life is to satisfy my own needs.
Many people face the problem of “knowing it, but feeling unable to live with it”
Think about it afterwards, what things can easily cause you to feel unnecessary guilt?
From this, we can see how emotional blackmailers label us with the labels we care about most
The most painful thing is that we don’t want to have this label, so we defend ourselves against the other party and fall into their trap.
In fact, only we have the power to define ourselves
Be aware of your emotions and see what just happened
Step 3: Should
Try to ignore the blackmailer's needs and soothe your emotions
Practice expressing your feelings to your blackmailer
Because blackmailers are not just pure perpetrators, some people are kidnapped by their own anxiety.
Consciously choose to respond to the needs of others
It’s not that I can’t meet other people’s needs, but that I have a choice. The choice lies in “whether I want it or not”, not “whether I’m afraid of it”
Develop response strategies, practice and apply them
2. Enhance “sense of self-worth”
self worth
Self-assessment, acceptance, and self-respect
My existence is where my value lies
accept yourself
Believe that "I don't always need to achieve something or prove anything to represent myself as valuable."
Even if I have shortcomings, it doesn't mean "I'm not good", it just means "I didn't do well". Completely accept myself.
People with low self-worth are easily blackmailed by emotions
reason
Only with the affirmation of others can we have "self-affirmation"
Low sense of self-worth
cause more anxiety
to get rid of anxiety
Strive to pursue "objective success" and "external positive evaluation"
Being swayed by external standards
ignore one's own wishes
For you, your emotions and feelings are not the most important, other people’s affirmation and love are the most important.
In the face of emotional blackmail, please say this to yourself
You did a great job, you worked hard
Even if you do nothing, I still think you are valuable
I love myself like this
Encourage yourself to improve your self-worth
Only I can define myself
i'm good enough
Be gentle with yourself and encourage yourself
Reject the idea that you can only make progress by being tough on yourself
The impact of childhood on “self-worth”
How parents understand "setbacks" and "failures" is an important factor affecting our "self-worth"
Respecting children's feelings, trusting and supporting children will make children know that "my feelings are important, more important than anything else."
"Trust in oneself" and "unconditional acceptance and support" are the key to enhancing "self-worth"
Culture’s influence on “self-worth”
Mistake 1: Be obedient
It’s not important to yourself, it’s important to follow the needs of others
Show your true self. When others see you like this, you will have a better chance of meeting someone who accepts and supports the "real you"
Mistake 2: “There’s always something better”
Required: Can’t be satisfied with what we already have and are too “complacent”. We must always reflect on ourselves and make continuous progress.
Eager to get rid of feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, and accustomed to using "comparison" as a standard
Mistake 3: “You shouldn’t make mistakes”
Thinking that you have made a mistake means you are not good
The fear of making mistakes makes people feel much better when they hide behind the mask of "perfectionism", which leads to them not daring to try many things.
You should separate things from yourself. Making mistakes or failing is not that I am bad, it is just that I am right.
Mistake 4: “Authority is always right”
Be educated
Authority determines our worth
Even rationalizing one's own pain and understanding the harsh requirements of authority, because they are all "for our own good"
We go to great lengths to make ourselves feel better by sugarcoating the harm that authority has done to us
Our culture teaches us how to be submissive, but it doesn’t teach us how to “respect others” and “not let others hurt us disrespectfully.”
How to improve your sense of self-worth
The first step is to learn to understand yourself
Practice valuing your own feelings - find yourself back and understand yourself again
method
When you feel uncomfortable, stop and feel your discomfort
Ask yourself: What is this? why do you think so
In this process, experience your own feelings and emotions
The second step is to learn self-acceptance
vicious circle
I feel bad about myself
“Pretending” to be someone you are not in the hope of being liked by others
Know that this is the "false self"
I don’t like myself even more
Every progress we make from childhood to adulthood is not because of scolding and fear, but because of the willingness to change.
I am willing to accept every part of myself, learn to accept myself, stop evaluating and criticizing myself, and believe in myself
The third step is to practice paying attention to your own feelings.
"Self-worth" is even an important basis for everyone's happiness and satisfaction in life.
Practice valuing your feelings
Learn to take care of yourself and feel important
Respect your own feelings and speak up for your rights, and you will have more courage. If you don't express yourself, others may not know your needs.
Step 4: Practice expressing your feelings and needs
In addition to letting yourself be seen, let others see yourself and let others respect your boundaries.
Problem: I’m afraid to express myself and others will hate me if I express myself.
The reason is that we worry internally that we are not valuable enough and are not worthy of the care, attention and time others give to us.
Thinking that we are a nuisance to each other and that we are of little value
Pay attention to and express your feelings
defend one's rights
Demonstrate trust in the world and others
Step 5: Respect other people’s feelings
We are too accustomed to taking responsibility for other people's emotions and feelings, and too much hope that others can "feel better"
Four Emotional Coping Strategies
please
It’s easy to be blackmailed by other people’s negative emotions
escape
Because I am used to taking on other people’s emotions, which makes people feel bad, I avoid them, consider others’ concerns, and do not face them directly.
persuade
Too accustomed to taking responsibility for other people’s feelings. It’s difficult to respect that others have different opinions than mine. Negative emotions may arise.
Because: We believe it is our duty to improve the mood of others
But people who persuade the policy to be ineffective feel that they cannot improve the mood of others and feel that they are incompetent, so they become even more angry.
Example
The child was scolded by the boss
The parents saw their children looking ugly and said to them: Be more open-minded.
Children don’t want their parents to take care of them
Parents become even more angry and blame their children for their poor stress tolerance
anger
Habitual to bear emotions for others, emotional boundaries are blurred
Thinking that "other people's emotions are my responsibility" and "other people's bad emotions are because of me"
summary
The four emotional coping strategies are all because we are used to taking responsibility for other people’s emotions without realizing that other people’s emotions are their responsibility.
Practice respecting each other’s feelings and returning emotional responsibility to the other person
Method: When others are emotional, let yourself endure the anxiety of "must do something"
Step 6: Learn to take responsibility for your emotions
When we are sad or depressed, if we feel that it is because of something the other person did, then we give the other person the power to control our emotions.
Others can make me feel bad and I can't do anything about it
So taking responsibility for your emotions is a very powerful statement
I can make the decision for myself
I can feel this way without anyone else's permission
I have my purpose and meaning and it doesn't change for anyone else
Learn to practice not denying your feelings and practice taking responsibility for your emotions